It's amazing how down my mother can make me feel. It's no wonder I have (scratch that) HAD a weight problem. It's no wonder I don't want to tell her I have a trainer. It's no wonder I feel insecure, even when I know I shouldn't: nothing is EVER good enough for her. In her world, NO ONE can EVER make ammends and change their ways. What a tangled web.
She called to see how I was doing and spent the entire time typing a paper for my father. She told me to keep my fat clothes because I "never know when I will need them." She insisted on putting my credit report and past decision down, numerous times. She overall made me feel like crap, without much effort on her end. I don't get it!
I moved away from my family because we didn't have the best relationship and I felt like I needed to stake out my own life. I left familiarity, friends, and comfort. For a while, I thought it was a foolish mistake, but only recently am I realizing I made the right move. I love my family; they are my blood. However, we do have our differences (which is normal....i think?!?)
Nothing I do will ever please my mother. No matter how far I come with this weightloss, my job, or anything else I accomplish she will still only remember the mistakes and errors that caused her so much grief. How about me? I grieved too! Why do you think I ate myself into a size 26? Because no matter how much I tried she wouldn't care; I would always be FAT. My grandmother never showed affection toward my mother, which in turn translates into our sordid relationship. She has only said she was proud of me twice; once was through an email when I graduated from college. She hasn't been to visit me once since I moved here to Florida..."money is tight" she says. I can understand that...but it doesn't make me hurt any less. I know that if my brother moved 1000 miles away she would be there within the first month- if not the first week. I know that no matter how many mistakes he makes, he will always be the favorite. Is it my fault she had me at a young age? Is it my fault she had to raise me at the same time she was growing up? NO- but I pay for it everytime I talk to her.
TODAY it stops. Today I realize that what I have accomplished so far is pretty damn amazing, and no matter how smug she is, I WILL NOT feel insignificant. Because I am important; I am special; and I am worthy of love and affection. And when I lose this weight, when I finally let go of this demon that has literally weighed me down for too long; I will finally know what it's like to be proud of MYSELF, regardless of how she feels. I have God's love and the love of my friends. I know I will never be able to please her and as much as that hurts, I can't carry her bruden any longer, dammit! I can't feel sorry for myself anymore. I wont....or else I will be stuck in this oversized body forever.
Phew- sorry about that! Had to get it off my chest. Perhaps this will help with my next weigh-in! How much does mother-stress weigh? A good 50lbs, right?
Phat Teacher
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The Weight of my mother
Posted by Danni at 3:14 PM
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6 comments:
oh yeah... you'll be a LOT lighter now. I put down the weight my mother put on me years ago, but it's taken a lot longer to put down the weight of other people's disapproval.
It feels good once it's finally gone for good :)
Dr Phil said something very significant: "Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you."
I also used to have a very troubled relationship with my mother. Not confrontational, but in the way I reacted to her criticism and inability to show love. I felt resented as a child. This last year I have worked very hard on my own reponses to my mother. The last thing I will attempt is to change her, but I have come to a point where I don't have to, because I know that she loves me, even though she's unable to show it in the way I need her to. But I have given up that need. And it works! Ironically, once I got over being emotional about this, I could tell her that I would appreciate her support. It's not perfect, but I can handle it now.
What I'm trying to say is, instead of trying to change the people around you, change your response to them. Just because you have felt unloved or unworthy as a child and adult, doesn't mean that you are and you can now start giving yourself all the love you need and appreciating your worthiness. The only opinion about you that matters is your own! Make it a good one! The process can be painful, but it's worth it!
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this type of stuff. I can relate except that it's my father that my relationship isn't very strong. I often blame my weight on him because as a child he would call me Porky and other verbally abusing names even though I was not fat at all. I was perfectly healthy then. Didn't make sense. I've gone to lots of counseling to overcome a lot of what I felt. I finally feel like I'm going to beat this weightloss once and for all. You go girl...You can find fabulous and feel great about it. Don't let anyone bring you down.
I'm sorry that you've been going through these things -- I have a similar story and we have to learn to believe the truth about ourselves -- we are worthy in GOD'S eyes and we don't have to worry about what others thing/say about us. As much as we need positive reinforcement and encouragement from those close to us, some are not able to give us that (unfortunately). You are doing a GREAT job!! Keep going! Don't let circumstances dictate your weight -- you are better than that! D
I can COMPLETELY understand. Same scenario with my mom and me. SHe had me too young, married my dad (they never had a chance in hell - now divorced) and never finsihed anythign in her life. But jsut about this year I have realized that I will never have that 'mother' figure in my life, and tha'ts okay. we have a relationship, and i'ts actually not that bad. WE have fun together and are equals, which is MUCH better than the times I cut her out completely, or when she was trying ot play MOMMY and woudl screw everythign up.
Bottom line; though they are parents, they are not the overall god of our worlds. I'm sure she loves you, and deep down you love her. But there's where you have to draw the line. Decide what type of relationship you would really want from your mom, write her a nice little letter (not email) about it, and leave it at that. See what happens. It wa sthe only way I coudl live with my mom.
And I'm glad I did it, even thoguh it hurt and was scary.
((HUGS))
Hang inthere chickie. Yo'ure doing awesome!
What a comfort to see others do not have the ideal mother-daughter relationship. Everything these other commenters said is right on the money. I have had to distance myself from my mother for my own health. I have had to change my response to her, and I have had to learn to "tune out" what she says. I filter it all, tell myself she means well, doesn't know any better, and basically isn't educated as much as I am about what is best for me. This is my life, not hers.
So hang in there. YOU are the star of your life!
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