Tuesday, April 29, 2008

32 down....

Greetings all,
I hope your weeks are going well! I can't believe its almost MAY!

After my last post I realized that I needed to fix my insides just as much as I am working on the outside. So, I enlisted the help of God and my trainer. Though 1 of those is enough, it just so happens that I am paying my trainer to help me with my goals so I should put her to work as well. Low and behold she has been a HUGE boost in my motivation by sending me an e-card, calling me to let me know she cares and by sending me an article on Spark People about positive thoughts. I joined SP today and can't wait to get more plugged in to positive messages from other highly motivated people. I also bought Joining the Thin Club and am reading it as we speak. I have lost 10% of my body weight and according to the book that means I am already in the thin club...who knew?

I realize that my goals are TOTALLY possible and I WILL reach them this time and stay at that weight for the rest of my life (until I have children, in which case I will inevitably gain weight- but I will get right back down that scale after they pop out)! Bottom line, I am working out my emotions and mental junk 7 days a week and I know this time, I am going to take care of the issues that "weigh" me down and become the woman I am meant to be.

I can't wait to meet her........

Phat Teacher :-)

Monday, April 21, 2008

A little voice

So, I am really blogging just to blog right now. Things are good but I really don't have the mental energy to put my life into verse, at present.

I have dropped 29 lbs and for some reason I got very geeked today at the gym over a 29lb loss- more geeked than 25. I am really starting to have faith in myself and my trainer is SO proud I can't help but be proud as well. I am happy with my progress and satisfied with what I have accomplished thus far....but why is the devil in the back of my mind trying to tell me this is all a dream and I am going to go back to my old ways any day now? I am realizing more each day that this is a MENTAL battle, almost more than a physical one.

What are your thoughts?

Phat Teacher

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Weight of my mother

It's amazing how down my mother can make me feel. It's no wonder I have (scratch that) HAD a weight problem. It's no wonder I don't want to tell her I have a trainer. It's no wonder I feel insecure, even when I know I shouldn't: nothing is EVER good enough for her. In her world, NO ONE can EVER make ammends and change their ways. What a tangled web.

She called to see how I was doing and spent the entire time typing a paper for my father. She told me to keep my fat clothes because I "never know when I will need them." She insisted on putting my credit report and past decision down, numerous times. She overall made me feel like crap, without much effort on her end. I don't get it!

I moved away from my family because we didn't have the best relationship and I felt like I needed to stake out my own life. I left familiarity, friends, and comfort. For a while, I thought it was a foolish mistake, but only recently am I realizing I made the right move. I love my family; they are my blood. However, we do have our differences (which is normal....i think?!?)

Nothing I do will ever please my mother. No matter how far I come with this weightloss, my job, or anything else I accomplish she will still only remember the mistakes and errors that caused her so much grief. How about me? I grieved too! Why do you think I ate myself into a size 26? Because no matter how much I tried she wouldn't care; I would always be FAT. My grandmother never showed affection toward my mother, which in turn translates into our sordid relationship. She has only said she was proud of me twice; once was through an email when I graduated from college. She hasn't been to visit me once since I moved here to Florida..."money is tight" she says. I can understand that...but it doesn't make me hurt any less. I know that if my brother moved 1000 miles away she would be there within the first month- if not the first week. I know that no matter how many mistakes he makes, he will always be the favorite. Is it my fault she had me at a young age? Is it my fault she had to raise me at the same time she was growing up? NO- but I pay for it everytime I talk to her.

TODAY it stops. Today I realize that what I have accomplished so far is pretty damn amazing, and no matter how smug she is, I WILL NOT feel insignificant. Because I am important; I am special; and I am worthy of love and affection. And when I lose this weight, when I finally let go of this demon that has literally weighed me down for too long; I will finally know what it's like to be proud of MYSELF, regardless of how she feels. I have God's love and the love of my friends. I know I will never be able to please her and as much as that hurts, I can't carry her bruden any longer, dammit! I can't feel sorry for myself anymore. I wont....or else I will be stuck in this oversized body forever.

Phew- sorry about that! Had to get it off my chest. Perhaps this will help with my next weigh-in! How much does mother-stress weigh? A good 50lbs, right?

Phat Teacher

Friday, April 11, 2008

Bag Lady

Greetings fellow weight-loss adventurers,

Happy, happy, happy Friday!

I don't think I have ever been this elated to see a Friday arrive. This was our first week back to work after Spring Break and I can honestly say it felt like the longest week of my life. I physically felt crampy (but no TOM) which translated into my emotional slump. I can't really explain why I felt so dumpy this week, but I did. So, my workout on Wednesday was a little weak (still 50 minutes though), and my social life was lacking since I wanted to jump and hide in bed at every free minute. I felt a little shut off from society, and to top it off, my students were resistant to learn this week (SURPRISE, SURPRISE). Oh well, the week is over! My trainer met with me today to make up for a day she missed last week and that workout rocked! I felt great after it and I think I literally kicked myself out of the funk I was in this week. How did I resolve these issues before? FOOD; which we all know is only a temporary and fattening fix. It's amazing how much life can change with a simple decision; something has to change!

My clothes are baggy, almost too baggy. I found myself pulling my pants up every 5 minutes yesterday and though this is encouraging, what am I going to do in this in between time (now until 100 lbs)? What are your plans? I would love to hear :-)

Thanks for all your support gang! I appreciate your comments and motivation!

Hope you're having a great week,
Phat Teacher

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Money: who needs it?

I DO! This is SO unrelated to weightloss but it's all I can think about at this very moment. With out country in a resession, I can't help but ponder: when is it going to effect me?
Well, funny you might ask. About 20 minutes ago to be exact, I realized that money was tight!
With mullah going out to the trainer (more than I would like to mention) I am slowly getting less and less for myself and my gas tank. I personally think what my trainer is doing with my life and body is worth every penny...atleast that's what I think I am supposed to type here. HAHA...i need reassurance that this new body is not only going to be smokin, but also worth the fortune I am spending. I know I couldn't do it alone...please keep that in mind when you comment!

Also, if you have any idea on how to save money on food (I eat all natural; have to, trainer's orders!) or any ideas on household items I can sell, please let me know! It's getting desperate this month of April! I need HELP!!!!!!!!!

Until next time,
Phat Teacher

ps: I am so flustered I don't even want to go back and check my spelling and grammar. If it's wrong, so be it!!!!!